Evil Biscuit Fairies

There are two people inside me duking it out.

One likes big houses...

The other prefers teeny, tiny houses not much bigger than a pinky...

One me looks below at this basket and says, "Mmmm, lets make a salad!"

The other me says, "Can I have some donuts to go with that salad?"

One me loves the idea of getting up early before sunrise and having run four miles by the time the first rays hit the early morning pavement.

The other me says "Yes, running and all that is very nice, very very nice, sweating and feeling like you are dying is so fun, but you know what is even better than all that silly huffing and puffing which really doesn't burn all that many calories anyway when you really stop to think about it? Being cozy, in bed...

This part of me adds..."Oh, and if you listen to me, I'll even throw in these..."

I can see a scenario where I might be lured to commit tiny, harmless misdemeanors in exchange for a tray of warm, doughy biscuits delivered to my bedside each morning. Evil biscuit fairies, keep your distance please.
*SIGH*

It makes me think of the Brian Andreas print that says "I think my life would be easier, she said, if I could just get my selves to agree on something." The thing is anytime you choose one thing, you do have to forego something else. Every path or choice we make creates whole other pathways of unlived lives that trail out behind us, and if we turn around and look behind us, we see they are like a path that just trails off into nothingness because it wasn't invested in, nurtured, like little seedlings that withered for lack of water and sunlight. Too often in my own life, the adopted voices of fear and "practicality" had called the shots. (I'm not a violent person normally unless someone tries to swipe a cupcake from my palm, but if I could take two words into a back alley somewhere and punch them, they would be these words:

BE PRACTICAL.

I'm increasingly convinced that those two little words have done more damage to people's long-term fulfillment and happiness than almost any other words.)

But some of these trails and seedlngs long for us to retrieve them, dust them off, cradle them in our arms,and revive them. Sort of like inner CPR for all the dreams, plans, and ideas that we either didn't or couldn't create time and structure for.

One of my favorite authors, Robert A Johnson, put it this way:

"When we find ourselves in a midlife depression, suddenly hate our spouse, our jobs, our lives – we can be sure that the unlived life is seeking our attention. When we feel restless, bored, or empty despite an outer life filled with riches, the unlived life is asking for us to engage. To not do this work will leave us depleted and despondent, with a nagging sense of ennui or failure. As you may have already discovered, doing or acquiring more does not quell your unease or dissatisfaction. Neither will “meditating on the light” or attempting to rise above the sufferings of earthly existence. Only awareness of your shadow qualities can help you to find an appropriate place for your unredeemed darkness and thereby create a more satisfying experience. To not do this work is to remain trapped in the loneliness, anxiety, and dualistic limits of the ego instead of awakening to your higher calling."

We water one area of our lives and spirits while another part slinks off to the corners, perhaps feeling neglected, abandoned. There is only so much time but I think more and more that those moments where I feel least alive are because I've forgotten or undervalued the projects most important to me. Last week, I sat with my best friend and said aloud my 2011 goals and intentions for the year, and they can be summoned up into one little five letter word.

ALLOW.

Allow myself to always write and rewrite the best and worst book chapters of my life.

Allow for new love and possibilities to emerge.

Allow for thoughts and habits that don't serve my deepest goals, values, and needs to have a quick and painless death.

Allow for new possibilities, challenges, and adventures.

I want to be evermore increasingly conscious this year of my focus because what we focus on, in either direction, grows- grows fangs, or grows vines, grows legs and cute little elbows with feet that waltz and tap and tango, or spindly, prickly thorns with hunchbacked frames and hobbled paws. We may have many different selves crammed inside us, each with their own yellow lined notepad and its own agendas, and each part deserves a voice, but this year is about only allowing certain of those selves to actually have a vote, time at the podium, or a seat on the board who actually makes decisions. What often looks like indecisiveness for me really is just an inner tug of war between various inner selves, each with their own preferences- cupcakes vs. celery sticks, running vs. lounging, but its always up to me which part makes the final decision. This year, fear is being asked to step aside, find something new to occupy its time, like learn to braid or yodel or squaredance. Basically, it is no longer getting a paycheck in dreams deferred and safer roads taken. It needs to apply for unemployment. Wish it luck...or actually, don't!


Photo Credits I was able to locate or remember: Donut Wedding Cake by Nick Sherman/ Made by Portland's VooDoo Donuts
Bed Photo from www.decorpad.com